Pull and Push factor

I'm always in-between the Pull and Push factor. In my heart, it's Push. But physically & mentally, it's always the Pull. Meaning, a lot of things that i wanted, i'm not chasing it. But yet, always waited untill the someone or the situation pushes things to me. If it is, should i say i'm fortunate to have what i had, what i own?

During school days, i was extremely shy and introvert. In primary school, i've wished i can be like my classmates, performing on stage, taking part in story competition. I've even practiced on my own but when the teacher asked for volunteers, i struggled. In the end, i didn't. In secondary school, i know i can run but i didn't work for it. Then, i was recommended by a classmate to the school team with me blur blur into it when they were selecting participants to compete in inter-school relay. During those years, i've won trophies and was always in the top 5. I was dragged by classmates to join their librarian. Staying back after school to 'jagar' library, arranging books. Was 'tekan' by a classmate to be our school pianist. we even took part in SYF Singapore Choir competition. I was not interested and never practice. Even till the day i left school, i can't play our school song without the scores (which i had to play on almost every Monday). Can anyone imagine an extremely introvert yet getting a lot of attention? it makes me even more shy. I dare not look at eyes with admiration from those that i dunno. I dun wan to feel proud and subconsiously i felt guilty. I can't explain this. Guilty for being good? Guilty for being popular? because i didn't vy for it, they were being pushed to me. In the end, because of my shyness i was said to be proud...... by some junior.

After my 'O'Levels, i was persuaded by friends to join them for ACCA. I followed suit on choosing the subjects. Guys that i fancied, i would avoid them. Guys that come to me are those being 'pushed' to me by friends. I really really wonder.... how long more am i not going to do things that follow my heart?

After soooooo many monkey years, i have to admit there were indeed regrets! I wished i'm more vocal. I wished i've took a more aggressive role. Maybe not aggressive but a more active role, with efforts. I could have won a story-telling prize, even just a consolation. That's okay. I could have been a very popular school pianist with many friends. I could have been a teacher's pet. I could have been a top cross-countrier if i put in a little more effort and the heart to win. I could have been music teacher or a spa owner if i've not waste time on taking ACCA. Looking back, all my life, i have no direction, no determination and focus. I was being given a lot of chances and apportunity.

Even the 're-kindled' romance with hubby was 'helped' by my sister. I've never thought of marrying, my grandma kind of 'pushed' us into it when her health deteriorated. My condo was chosen & 'pushed' by my fengshui master when he said our previous was bad for hubby's health. The only thing that i've chased for myself is my massage skill, hoping to carve a carreer of my own. I almost forgot whole about it until i saw a massage book that i've bought during my teens. I remembered i massaged my grandma. ha ha ha... she used to be my model then. Hence, i realised this is what i've wanted to do, since young. Piano, still remain as one of the interest. It is not possible to be a career. Now, i hope i can stay determine and focus. Just follow my heart........