Past Tense

I had sleepless nite tonite. Just tossing around but so much just flashed back in my mind. Sigh,,, what has trigger these? I thought of the relationships i had.... and one of my last wish or the very thing i wanted to do before deathbed (touch wood!) is to have a good talk with Louis. I wanted to apologise personally. The relationship just left so much unsaid. Still vividly remember the very last time we met up was at the bus-stop with him wanted to see me just to hand me a gift. To a fresh soldier, that gift costs all his few months salaries. That year i was 19.

It was a simple puppy love that last and drag almost a year. To me, i was just trying out, see what it's like to have a boyfriend. It filled with Romance at first, then ???, then anger, then hide & seek. Probably it may be due to my background that i've sub-consciously built a protective sheath against MAN!

So, in case i have no chance to tell him. Our story went like this:
mid-1992, I was working part time as waitress after 'O' level exam. There was this group of us, about the same age. This colleague went to a KTV pub in Lucky Plaza, speak highly about a good-looking bartender there and drag us there. She became friendly with the few guys working there and it soon became our frequent place. After a few visits, the 'bartender' she 'has been eyeing' said to us that he would prefer to go after me. Since then, we have been being 'pushed' together. And, it just came so naturally. (since he's the gooder looking one there. Plus, i've always prefer taller guy. *pai seh) Just abt a month later he was being recruited to the army. After that, we only met once a week. His background with vulgar language was 1 of the main reason for our distance later on. I've always detest this. I can accept his a little ah-beng attitute but not vulgarities. My brought up was with no vulgar. Then, there was a little incident happened that i realised i could never replace his 'brothership' towards his grew-up frends. I've never thought abt replacing them anyway. Just that the trust towards me is not as strong. It's after the incident that i've tried to avoid him by working alot of overtimes and not replying his paging. I knew he waited me for hours at home, outside my workplace despite the little time we have. If we missed the precious Sat, it will be another week, and another week, and another... until it became a month plus..... But, it's a little difficult for me to continue, when i started to have alot of ??? At that time, i chose to avoid until he voiced it out.

I'll never forget how we celebrated my 19th birthday with the most candles in my life. I'll never forget the night when i told him i'm going to study abroad. I'll never forget the night he came all the way just to pass me the gold chain, with nothing said.

Though all these are being past tense after sooooo many years. But it's just something you wish you have a chance to clear up. Even though himself had forgotten the whole about it, or dun even remember my existence. Does anyone ever has this thought? Something u really wish you've done but didn't? Something u wish you could have handle more maturely. At 18, the way i handle people, relationship, sucks! He is very blissfully married with 2 kids, a 7yr old boy & a 3yr old girl. I sincerely wish him well. Our story was indeed short, but first time, what do you expect? ha ha ha... :P

But still, i wish we have the chance to talk as frend, just once...... for once...... talk properly this time! hee hee....